Regret
by Lillithrose
Summary: Just a quick one shot about Light and L's secret hidden feelings and how it all crashes down after...EPISODE 25 SPOILER.


Regret

---L---

Quiet music plays behind me in my room all alone. There is no more Light-kun to join me at the late hours of the night (or rather, the early hours of the morning.) As soon as the cuffs came off, he rarely made an effort to visit me when the sky was black like this and everyone else would be long past asleep. Not that this was something I didn't see coming...but somewhere, a part of me had wished that...

"I didn't know you listened to music L." Light-kun states quietly as he walks through the doorway. Much to my surprise, Light had decided to join me. With his hair so perfect no matter the time or situation...the eyes that hide many secrets from us all and the smile that is the reason I will lose.

"I heard it from Misa. I'm surprised you don't notice it." Yes. I admit that I cannot win. I am 94 certain that Light-kun is Kira but...emotions certainly play a part in the game we play.

"When did you ever see Misa without me?" Light questions.

"It's called Regret." I state, never answering his question.

---L----

"Regret, hm?" I sigh. Misa looked tired and perhaps a little bit hurt. Most likely because right now, Light was supposed to be attached to me. However, tonight I could not sleep, or even pretend to rest, beside Light. So I had taken my cuff off and attached it to the bed, that way even if Light awoke and realized that I was gone, he could not escape. "I wonder if Kira ever feels regret." I ask aloud, more to myself than to the air-head that sits in front of her computer. _ Anything suspicious. Anything at all and we know who one of the Kira's are at least. Watari is watching. There's no way that Misa could disguise herself that well. _When I look over to face Misa, there is a look in her eyes that I could not quite place. It was almost hurt, but not quite and at the same time it was a look that said that she was offended, or perhaps, accused.

"I'm sure Kira doesn't feel regret." Misa states, in a tone more serious than I think I've ever heard escape her lips. "He is creating a world which – to Kira at least – is one rid of evil. He probably thinks of himself as a god. Do gods feel regret?"

I had never heard words of such meaning come from the ditsy blond before me. Honestly, it surprised me a great deal.

"Forgive me for interrupting." I bow my head the slightest bit to show that I was sincere. "I merely wondered where the music came from." Without waiting for a response, I turn to walk away. I was getting hungry anyway. Just when I thought that Misa had decided against saying goodbye, I felt some thing around my waist. It felt like arms, but he had never been hugged before.

"Goodnight L." Misa whispered then released me from her grasp. I turned around to see a look, this time I was certain, of sadness.

"Of course." I state then turn away once again. _Well, if she is the second Kira, I should have been dead already, or I'll be dead soon. Watari would know then, who it was. He would be able to get them both._ I grab for a piece of candy and open the wrapper. _Do gods feel regret?_ I pop the candy into my mouth as Misa's words return to me. _If she were the second Kira...would she have made that look? Perhaps she works under Kira, so she herself is not a god. Therefore that would allow her to feel regret. _Somehow, the candy tasted bitter. Perhaps it was just the mood.

-------

It took L longer than usual to eat his bag of candies. Maybe it was because the whole time, he was expecting to feel his heart give out. A sudden, painful heart attack...But, against L's intuition screaming accusations at Misa and Light, nothing happened. Quietly, L headed back up to he and Light's shared room. Once he entered, L saw that the screen of his laptop was still glowing. Nothing had been lost or moved. Obviously, Light was still asleep. Therefore, L props himself up on the bed, grabs the key for the cuff out of his pocket then places the cuff back around his own thin wrist before continuing to work. Before L could type a single word, Light rolls over.

"Do you really not trust me at all?" Light questions. L is caught off guard by these words. He looks over at Light and says nothing at first. Light's hair was still perfect and glistening, as if he'd prepared to see L at the dark, dreary hours of the night. A few strands fell out of place, slightly covering his right eye. Though dark, L could see straight into Light's eyes. As always, they seemed indifferent. Like the eyes of a genius...or a murderer. Besides the eyes that never seemed to have any real emotion within them, everything else about Light was absolutely beautiful. If Light was Kira...he would be the most attractive mass murderer ever...at least, that's how L felt.

"No. Not really." L replies at last as he turns back to his laptop._ Though I truly wish I could Light – kun. _This response causes Light to further sit up in his seat.

"But I was in confinement! Killings still happened! Doesn't that mean anything?!" Light argues.

"Do you want the truth or something like it?" L asks while typing out a few pieces of information. Light doesn't respond for a second, unsure of what exactly he meant.

"Both." Light says at last. _How can he still think that I'm Kira when there's so much against it? There must be something he hasn't told us all. If that's the case...I could be captured already._

"It doesn't mean anything to me. You are Kira, I know it...I just can't prove it yet." L looks away from the computer. "All that confinement proved to me is that there are two Kira's, which we had already proven. That's the truth." L carefully watches how Light reacts.

"And something like it?" Light questions. _As long as he can never prove that I'm guilty...this truth is how it will stay._ A slight smile crosses Light's lips.

"There's only a 24 chance that you are Kira." L smiles. Light seems confused for a second.

"That is what you would say to everyone else while there is no evidence for or against me, correct?" Light questions. L simply nods. Silence takes over for a few minutes then. "What about your feelings toward me? Doesn't that make your opinion a bit different than it should be?" Light asks quietly.

"What do you mean?" L questions as Light scoots a little closer.

"What do you think I mean?" Light asks as he runs his hand up L's chest and smiles. L found it hard to breath suddenly. His heart was racing. What was this feeling?

"What are you doing?" L questions. At the sound of his own voice, L is caught off guard. His voice was airy and anxious. Perhaps his feelings for Light _had_ been getting in the way...if this was truly how he felt.

"Do you want me to stop?" Light questions as his hand reaches the side of L's face. He stops moving when this question leaves his lips.

"No...but it...I've never felt this before..." L feels his breaths growing shorter still as Light pulls his face forward until their lips finally touch. When this happens, L's heart stops...his breaths cease and his head begins to spin. _Is this some sort of trick? Would Kira really want to be closer to me? If Light really is Kira..._

Light's hands begin to move once again. This time to the brim of L's shirt. He pulls off the soft shirt, and following Light's lead, L does the same. _Is he allowing this because the "almost truth" is actually what he thinks...no...he must be searching for something to give me away._ Light kisses his way up L's chest while L presses his hands against Light's warm skin. Again their lips touch. _He tastes like candy...every piece of him tastes like candy. _Light smiles.

Though L's heart was beating hard and every piece of his body wanted to stop thinking and just give in to this beautiful moment while L kissed Light's lips. He suddenly breaks the kiss. "Don't think that..." L pauses as he feels Light's hand move and Light's lips kiss down L's neck. "That simply because of this..." Light this time was working on removing the blue jeans that L had worn in to the point that they no longer felt like jean, again causing L to pause. "That I will stop suspecting you as Kira simply because of this."

"Shh...now is not the time for this." Light whispers. _L will always be chasing me. He wants to win no matter what. If I continue...I will have to kill the one I love. _Light allowed his hand to run over L's throbbing member. He chuckled as L tried to hide his pleasure if only the slightest bit by biting his lower lip.

_Will I be able to kill the one I love? _L feels his pulse racing. _Do I truly love Light?_

Light felt his brain beginning to become fuzzy. _One of us will have to sacrifice the ultimate sacrifice. _Light pauses as their unclothed bodies intertwine beneath the sheets. _I will have to sacrifice my love in order to create my world without evil. _

"Light!" L screams. "This...ah..." L closes his eyes as their bodies truly become one. His hands grip the sheets tightly and he feels himself holding back a scream. His body was in ecstasy, releasing moans as Light moved above him. _You are almost definitely Kira, so why are you getting closer to me? I don't want to but..._ "Light... I..ah...love you."

"I love you too L." Light states breathlessly when he falls beside L. _You are my enemy...but you are also my love. I will have to kill you so that I can win._ "I wish you trusted me." Light states. _For if you did, maybe...and only maybe...I wouldn't have to kill you._

"Perhaps one day...I will believe you when you say that you are not Kira." L looks away from Light's face. "But until then...I cannot." _Until you make a mistake, I can only chase at your heels waiting for you to mess up. _Then L and Light kiss once again.

"Where we being watch-"

"Yes." L states. "I will have to talk to Watari...soon." L blushes, realizing that explaining everything to Watari could be difficult.

"Wait out here." L looks at Light seriously and takes a deep breath before entering the room that Watari would be in. He slips through the door quietly. His thumb was in his mouth, causing his demeanor to be much like a child's. "Watari..."

Watari spins around, his expression no different from any other day. "Hm?"

"I know that..." L stops speaking. "Light is Kira. I will prove it." L tells Watari. Watari nods. "You won't -"

"No." Watari speaks before L could finish. The silence between them soon became overwhelming, so L exited and headed away quickly. He wanted something sweet.

"L?" Light questions when L breezes right on past him. "Is everything ok?"

"I want cake."

---Light---

Since that night, he and I always had to hide one part of how we felt. It was strange that no one seemed to notice that he had begun to call me Light-kun. As promised, Watari kept quiet. Much against what I had planned, each day, I fell a little more in love with L. Perhaps it was laying with him each night and watching him try to sleep. His entire body curled up in a little ball and his thumb just barely in his mouth. Or maybe it was watching him when something else in his mind made him believe that I was Kira. Perhaps it was because I wanted him to want me to be Kira. Maybe it was the kisses, each one deep and passionate...or maybe it was the things we would do late at night that Watari had now learned to turn off the camera for. Either way, I fell more and more in love. I'm sure even Misa noticed it for every time I fell more in love with L, I would turn to her in hope of turning that love around. More than ever, I have to kill L. Maybe he should die today...while the rain is pouring harder than it had ever been. Now that I'm finally free of his chains. I know that Rem knows what has to be done...as well as I understand. But before I kill him, I have to see him one last time.

I enter the room. It was dark except for the computer screen. A song was playing. I was sure I'd heard it before.

"I didn't know you listened to music L." I state as I admire him from the doorway. His messy black hair, those deep black pools which replace any normal eyes. Those lips which always takes like sugar.

"I heard it from Misa. I'm surprised you don't notice it." L replies. It seemed that he was sad today. Did he know that he was going to die? How could that be?

"When did you ever see Misa without me?" I question not really caring.

"It's called Regret." L states. He didn't seem that he was about to answer that question. Only seconds later, he looks up at me with two saddened eyes. "Do you feel regret?"

"Do I...?" This question caught me off guard. Do I feel regret? Did he mean in general? No...everyone feels some sort of regret. He must mean about that day. "No. There's no need." I respond, confident that is was Yagami Light would say...not Kira. Truthfully, I do feel the slightest bit of regret, not because of what was done, but because of what has to be done next. L smiles and nods.

"That's what I thought." He then gets up and walks away. For some reason...I could not follow. About an hour later, I still had not seen him around. Outside the rain was still pouring, but I had to go look for him.

---L---

_He doesn't feel regret. Whether he realized it or not, Light had just answered all my questions. Light was Kira. How he's hid it from me for so long I don't know. _

Rain was pouring over L's body. He wanted just once more to lay together with Light. Just once more to feel Light's body press against his in the heat of the night. At least one more time, L wanted to kiss Light.

"What are you doing up here?" Light called to me. Did he worry and come searching for me or did he simply want to be alone? I want him near me so I put a hand up to my ear as if I can't hear him. Again Light calls. "What are you doing?" He doesn't move close enough, so I repeat the action. Finally, he walks over to me, joining me in the rain. The dark clouds were over the city like an impending doom. "What are you doing?"

"Listening to the bells." I say, although I know you can't actually hear any. I just know that somewhere they are ringing. Soon, they will be ringing again.

"What bells?"

"The church bells. There is a funeral." I continue to lie to him. He had to know that I was lying.

"Haven't you been up here long enough?"

"You're right...let's go inside. We're soaking wet." I respond then look down. I feel my eyes becoming heavy. _Had I ever been this sad before? Had I ever had tears fall from my eyes and all I could do to hide it was stand in the rain?_ I smile. _Of course I haven't. I have never had the need. I have always been alone. Until I met Light-kun. He became my first friend...my lover...and also...the reason I would die._

"That's your fault you know."

---Light---

Once we got inside, so many things were signaling to my brain that I did not know what to do. L was sad, more so than I had ever seen before. Probably more than I ever will again. Did he know that he was going to die? Would it do any good for me to say anything?

Before we could reach the towels, I grabbed L's shoulder and spun him around, pulling him tightly into my arms.

"I love you L." I states with a confidence that made me wish that I could save him. I wished that I could save the only one that I truly love...despite the fact that I could never win without him gone.

"I love you too Light-kun." L sighed and as our lips touched I swore that instead of tasting candy...I tasted salt. Warm salt...like tears. Without wasting another second, L pulled away from me and grabbed two towels. He handed one to me and placed one over his head. We walked together to the stairs. He seemed unwilling to talk as we dried off. Something was said then, by both of us, though I cannot remember what, for all I could see was a heartbroken face of my lover. Then he somehow ended up kneeled in front of me drying my feet, tears still daring to fall from his eyes. The only thing I remember after that was him saying...

"L is sad and Light will know why soon."

He knew and he knew that I knew. Yet somehow...for some reason...he hadn't done anything to stop me. Was it love? Could I do as L had and give up just a small piece of what I want to save love? Or maybe it was too late. In the end...I will win.

Everything happened so fast then. Rem realized what she had to do to save Misa. She realized that she had to kill Watari and L. Once she realized what she had to do, she wasted no time. Watari deleted all of the information before I could have ever found Rem to stop her. She would already be writing L's real name in the death note. He would be falling over any time.

Then it happened. L started to fall after grabbing his chest in pain. I was too late...my very own plan had stabbed me in the back.

L looked over at me with eyes that were beyond pain and beyond death...they were sad and they knew why. I reached out to grab him. Only a part of me had to act this time. A large part of me already wanted to cry...to scream out. But there was still a part of me that was Kira.

In my head, I heard the song...Regret...playing. As I held L, calling his name. I knew what I felt then. It was regret. I regretted killing him. I looked at L, smiling. Half because I had won and half because I could do nothing else...I was feeling regret.

L's eyes grew then, they grew two sizes bigger than usual. And the reason still baffles me.

---L---

I knew it was coming. As soon as I saw the screen. I knew Light – no Kira – had taken action. I felt it coming, from the moment I woke up this morning. When the pain gripped my heart, I could not do anything. I simply grabbed at it and allowed myself to fall. As if he didn't see it coming, Light dashes to my side. He grabs me up as I feel my breaths shorten. Even though I know that the reason I was dying was because of him, it felt good to be held by him in my last minutes.

It was then that I looked up...just as my breaths stopped and just before I felt my soul lift away. I looked up and saw something in his eyes. Past the smile...which I knew was full of double meaning. In his eyes...the eyes that never before had any emotion. I saw regret. Then, a smile tried to filter onto my lips. _Gods can feel regret..._

---Light---

So few people showed up for L's funeral. It surprised me. I sat through the eulogy not actually listening, but still tears fell from my eyes. Finally we were able to walk up to the coffin. Once I reached the coffin everything in me rang in dissonance. This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all.

They had cleaned up L's hair. His shirt was too neat, as were his jeans. L was laying on his back perfectly flat. This was not L.

I couldn't help it. I bent down and messed up L's hair a bit. Then I jostled his shirt a little. At least with that, he looked a little more natural. If I could, I would place his thumb into his mouth and turn him onto his side...which is how he always laid beside me when he tried to sleep.

At my side, Misa was in tears. She felt regret though she needed not to. She had not done this to him...I had. All she had done was be there for me when I needed her. Still, her tears fell heavily. In a situation like this, no one would have suspected either of us as being Kira. I was sure of this at least.

When everyone took to throwing roses and lilies into the grave, I shook my head. I then dug into my pockets and found an assortment of wrapped candies and through them down. L had liked candy much more than he had flowers.

---Light---

The night after the funeral, I exhausted myself with tears. Later in the night, I awoke and rolled over. Sitting in the chair beside my bed was L. His legs were bent up against his chest, sitting as he always had. His thumb was gently in his mouth and the corners of his lips were curled up in a smile. No different from every other day, his hair was messy atop his head. I reach my hand out toward him then watch as he fades away into nothing.

It had been nothing more than an illusion. Tears start to slip down my face. L was gone and it was because of my own doing. If only I could have stopped it all...If only there would have been a way...but there wasn't. Tears fell harder now. I am Kira. I had to sacrifice L in order to rule the world. Though, thinking that way tonight was hard. There is always tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I can be Kira, lord of the world without evil. Tomorrow I am Kira, decider of who lives and who dies and God of the new world. But today, right now, I am simply Yagami Light, student, detective and fool who fell in love with the one person who had to die. Today I am a boy...a boy crying because he lost his only true love.


End file.
